Lawyers make big splash in Asia

Sometimes I have a cynical view of things and this was one of those times. I knew it was going to happen; I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Surprise! U. S. and Austrian lawyers have filed suit against Thai and U. S. forecasters, and the Accor hotel group of France for not warning vacationers a tsunami was headed toward southeast Asia.

I know how this is going to turn out, and it depends on the political affiliations of the lawyers.

If the lawyers are Democrats, they'll discuss the shit out of the suit with lawyers for the other side and never go to court. This will go on for 40 years and 40 nights. Eventually they will settle with a weather forecaster college intern for Channel 13-1/2 in Lyndonville, Vermont for peanuts and chump change, claiming a "moral victory." They'll blame President Bush, red-staters and fundamentalist Christians for the tsunami. They'll also try to hang blame on "intelligent design," change their minds several times and finally agree to serve a summons on a rapper named "Big Bang" who hangs at the corner of 12th Street and Vine. They'll start a tsunami survivor 527 and several blogs, ostensibly to stop "Big Bang" from doing such things again but really just to be able to say they're bloggers so they can pick-up chicks at MoveOn.org parties. (No, I'm not going to put the hyperlink in to that organization! If you want to go there, type it in your own damn self!)

If the lawyers are Republicans, they'll file suit immediately without researching culpability or even plate tectonics. They'll also settle out of court but for hundreds of millions. They'll keep all the cash but the plaintiffs will each receive a coupon good for a dollar off their next pina colada at Trader Vic's in Bangkok. The lawyers will use their fees to buy a minority interest in Trader Vic's through an offshore account. The coupon will expire in 30 days and plaintiffs will have to declare the coupon as income on their next year's tax return unless they fall under the special tsunami coupon exemption clause of the tax code, i.e. you're a lawyer with a minority interest in Trader Vic's of Bangkok. They'll also start a 527 that will call for putting a cap on future tsunami suit awards. They'll get judges appointed who will jail the Democratic lawyer bloggers for not revealing the telephone numbers of the chicks they picked up at the MoveOn.org party.

If the lawyers are neither Republicans nor Democrats but are, in fact, European, they will sit on their ass while the American lawyers do all the work and pay all the fees. They will work two weeks and then take a six month holiday. They will whine about the quality of the legal work done by the Americans and, when it's all said and done, they will have parades every year honoring themselves for propping up the American lawyers. Eventually, Hollyweird leftists will make a movie about their struggle and their addiction to pina coladas and, yep, you guessed it, once again Martin Scorsese will lose in the Best Director category.

The only answers my crystal ball can't fathom are: if Accor gets nailed in the suit, will Tom Bodett still have a job and, secondly, will they still leave the lights on at Motel 6 or shut them off to shore up the bottom line, saying the cost-cutting measure is really to save the environment.