Army settles with harassed nurse

It's been a busy day for me and I really don't have time to develop fresh commentary so I'll run with this blast from the past I created, partly as a tongue-in-cheek dig at the U.S. Army prior to the Army-Navy game in 1996 and partly as my sarcastic extrapolation of the political correctness hitting the military. It was originally posted on the usenet and it's still appropriate. And, because I wrote it, it's an exclusive! As I have written previously, my late mom was a nurse in the U. S. Air Force. Trust that I know her better than you do and she would've laughed like crazy over this, even if someone else had written it. She had a life and a great sense of humor. So all you liberals and feminazis, get the collective sticks out of your butts and ... Enjoy!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

PENTAGON, D.C. (Fleet Uniformed Newservice) -- The Department of the Army announced today that it had reached an out-of-court settlement with Major Margaret Houlihan, USA, MC (Ret.), an Army nurse who had filed sexual harassment charges stemming from incidents during the Korean War.

As part of the agreement, terms were undisclosed and the case sealed by the Army. However a jubilant Major Houlihan noted to an awaiting throng:

"They won't be calling me 'Hot Lips' anymore!"

Sources indicated that Major Houlihan, now retired, would be receiving a lump sum payment totaling several million dollars as well as the recall to active duty she had requested. Sources indicate she will be named soon to the Army's new sexual harassment ombudsman position. This position was created following widespread sexual harassment allegations at Aberdeen Proving Ground and other Army military facilities throughout the country. She will be given the rank of Brigadier General.

Representing Major Houlihan in the successful action was the Law firm of Durenberger, Clinton, Norton, Rodham and Schroeder, L.L.C. This is the same firm representing Cpl. Maxwell Klinger III, USA, in his discrimination suit against the U.S. Army. Klinger, a highly decorated cross-dresser who has been recognized by national gay and lesbian rights organizations for his ability to accessorize under fire, is being denied admittance to Army OCS.

Named co-defendants in the suit were: Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, MD, USAR, MC,; Capt. John Francis Xavier "Trapper John" McIntyre, MD, USAR, MC; Capt. Augustus Bedford "Duke" Forrest, MD, USAR, MC; Capt. Walter Kosciusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski, DDS, USAR, MC; Capt. "Ugly John" Black, MD, USAR, MC.

Major Houlihan had alleged that officers in the U.S. Army during the Korean War:

- broadcast throughout encampment grounds a confidential meeting she had with a Major Frank Burns discussing personnel matters;

- rigged a shower tent such that she was exposed unclothed while taking a shower and humiliated in front of officers and enlisted alike;

- constantly harassed her because of her gender and referred to her as "Hot Lips" instead of by rank and title, which would be accorded her under Army regulations.

Major Houlihan, at the time assigned to the 4077th M*A*S*H Unit, also alleged theater wide cover-up of the incidents and the burying of official complaints filed by herself and Major Burns to camp commanding officer Col. Henry Blake, MD, USA, MC (Ret.) and Col. (No first name given in the suit) Merril, USA, MC (Ret.). Col. Blake was killed during the Korean War and Col. Merril could not be reached for comment.

The Army declined comment on the settlement but sources said investigators advised the Army to settle as quickly as possible following the presentation of material evidence said to corroborate Major Houlihan's charges. The evidence purportedly were diaries alleged to have been written by Richard Hooker and Ring Lardner, Jr., with additional evidence found in notes taken by Larry Gelbart.

-30-